Rules.

With New York's advent of gay marriage being legal tomorrow, the thought of societal rules has been at the forefront of my thoughts all week. I've been mentioning it so much lately, I think some friends of mine may have it in their heads that I'm about to propose to them. I assure you, friends, that I am not. I happen to think that rules are a guideline for what is just and fair, and that it's human nature to challenge them. Marriage is a rule. Marriage is a law, which is the big momma of all the rules.
In all actuality, marriage is a rule set between two people to never love anyone else. It is a promise to society to be true and faithful to the other person named in the contract. It is pressure, it is a challenge, and the majority of said contracts ends in divorce. Is this because it was never carefully entered into? Probably not. Most people I've known to get married appear to love one another. Whether or not they actually do is a question to be considered via my previous entry.
With this considered, it leads me to believe that perhaps it is marriage itself that is self-destructive. If it is human nature to rebel and break rules, then it is human nature to challenge the contract they've entered. Most people that have been married for years let it be known that it's a difficult thing. Maybe this is why.
I once met a woman who was shopping for a Valentine's Day card. She was complaining that every card mentioned love. I asked her why she needed a card that didn't mention love. She told me that she had been with a man for years, and neither of them had ever told the other that they love them. I asked her if she loved him. She nodded. I showed her a few blank cards, and wondered why she was even celebrating VD in the first place. At the time I thought she was ridiculous for being with someone that long, and never discussing such a subject. As life goes on and I'm faced with new challenges, I'm realizing that she may not have been so silly. If she knew that she loved him, why would she need to tell him? If she shows him every day, and knows it within her heart, then that's really all it comes down to. I know one has to wonder why she would love someone that she didn't know for sure loved her back, but that's life.
Love could be a fairy-tale, or it could be a tortuous thing. You could love someone with every piece of you, and never know whether or not they love you in return. You could live your entire life giving everything you have to another person, and never get anything back... except the knowledge that they're happy, and in turn you are, too. But then, is that so bad? In an ideal world, you would know that they love you, but not everything is ideal.
This is where the marriage contract comes in. It's a statement of mutual agreement that you will love that one other person until death. It's the other end of the spectrum. It's the knowledge that that person will LEGALLY HAVE TO love you until you're dead.
This isn't to say that I'm against the idea of marriage altogether. If both parties are equally wise, they will be able to acknowledge that marriage is just a silly societal thing we do, and that it doesn't exist to control or bind us. It's just another way of saying, "I love you." It's like a birthday party, with a bigger cake. I, myself, would like to get married. It's always the best kind of party, because it always represents an unconditionally happy thing. I just know not to rush, and that whoever I fall in love with is comfortable enough to not feel a need to challenge the rules.
I hope that all those who are getting married tomorrow on this epic day have thought about the same. I hope that, with the level-headed knowledge of years of unconditional love without rules, the divorce rate of these couples is 0%.

Of Love/ Of Passion

This post is a long time coming. I've had several people ask whether or not I'd update again. The truth is, I knew this post had to be about love, and that's the hardest topic for anyone to write about. I've studied love for years. I've taken many classes on it, and read many books. I've watched sappy love movies and deep films. I've spent half of my life trying to experience it and understand every aspect of the term. I don't think I'll ever fully understand it, and truthfully, either will you. What I can do is tell you what I think I've figured out so far.
Step 1: Defining the term.
Unfortunately, love is confused with many other things. People often use the word love to describe dependence, desperation, infatuation, confusion, lust, obsession, and most commonly, passion.
Dictionary.com defines love as

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7. sexual intercourse; copulation.

8. ( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.

9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.

11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

12. the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

I see a few things wrong with all but one of these descriptions. 1 refers to passion itself. It is the definition of passion. 3 refers to lust. 4 has a point, but is not the term we're talking about here. 5 is a pet name. 6 is again passion. 7 is again lust. 8 is just silly. 9 is defining care. 10 is describing a hobby, as is 11. 12 is debatable. I debate that it isn't true, because all things must die. More on that later.

So, by process of elimination we have #2. Personal attachment. This is, in my opinion, the only true and accurate definition of love. 

 

Step 2: Clarify

True love is, as I've understood it, the unbreakable bond between two individuals that will never fade with time and will exist no matter what may happen. It is forgiveness and hope. It is a longing for, and a fear of loss. It is most often confused with Passion, which I would define as a burning chemistry between two individuals. Passion is the obsession we commonly call love. It starts in our chests and spreads like venom straight to our minds and limbs. It drives us to do things we could never imagine. It drives us insane.

True love does the opposite. It drives us to do good for ourselves and the individual in which the bond is shared. It drives us to be the very best person we could possibly be.

Step 3: Elaborate

The simplest way I've conceived to tell the difference between love and passion is to imagine loss. Think of the person you love the most. I'm not just talking about relationships or marriage. I'm referring to a parent or the most important and influential person in your life. For a lot of us this is our mother. I know for me it is, so I'll continue with this example. Now, imagine the loss of this individual. Really think about it. How would you feel if this person were no longer in your life? How long would it take you to recover from such a loss? How devastating would this loss be? How devastating would it be to this individual if you were gone forever? In most cases, it would be cripplingly devastating. If the answer were any different... if you think you could ever fully recover from this loss... then you need to rethink your actual love for this person. 

Love is unconditional. If you love your brother and he runs away from home, you will never stop missing him until you see him again. If you truly love your husband and he leaves you for another person, you will never stop being angry or sad. (Then, one must ask if it ever truly was love, as the bond wasn't mutual). If your child comes out as gay, and you banish him or her from your household and they comply with your demands, you will never stop feeling guilty or angry. If any of these feelings ever subside, you have to wonder if there ever truly was love in the first place. If you truly love your child, you will do everything in your power to understand him or her and help them to grow. If you love your husband, you will do everything in your power to be happy together. You will compromise and understand. You will let petty arguments fade away. You will apologize and show affection. If you love your brother you will never stop searching. You will want the best possible life for anyone that you love.

Passion is sometimes a certain greed or selfishness. It blinds people to the long term and only satisfies the immediate need for connection. It is what exists between two people when they kiss and feel that electricity flowing between them. It is a desire to have another person all to oneself, but usually without consideration of the other person, or any other persons involved. This is not to say that passion cannot exist alongside love for two people. If two people are both truly in love, and have passion for one another, this is possible, as their need for one another is mutually fulfilled. Passion, however, seems to have a shorter lifespan. 

I often see people who are passionate about one another believe that they are in love and get married due to this. They both are mutually passionate, but have not appreciated one another enough to develop true love. The passion begins to fade, and the marriage falls apart. They then divorce and add another statistic to the fire. It is rare to see, but the beautiful sight of an elderly couple that has remained together and in love for years looks quite different than a younger, passionate couple. These older people have learned to truly appreciate one another and live their lives for one another's benefit. That, my friend, is love. I hope that everyone, someday, can find it for themselves. The world would be a better place.

Class is in session.

I suppose I should be cliche, and give you the dictionary definition of the word. Look into it here: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/class and come back to me when you've finished.

Interesting, huh? No? Well, of course not. Research is never fun. Plus, that's a definition that's all over the map. What we're looking at are noun 12: "excellence; exceptional merit: She's a good performer, but she lacks class," and the adjective form of the word: 26: "Informal . of high quality, integrity, status, or style: class players on a mediocre team." We're here to be described as those players, as our team is the human race. 


Now, please don't confuse this with money, or social class. Class and social class aren't always hand-in-hand. Class is only obtained by going out of your way to do something good for another person. Philanthropy, volunteering, random acts of kindness... that's how to build your class. Keep a smile on your face and only let kind words escape your mouth in a social setting. Trash talk belongs to trash. Take the high road.


This brings me to my first classbreaker: Cursewords.
Coming from a family where curses were part of the common vocabulary, I've struggled with my own use of cursewords. Sitting on a few trains and observing what kind of person speaks in a certain way, I quickly discovered in my late teen years that overusing a curse not only makes its effect less, but it makes the effect of all of your words less. No one will respect a person that continually curses, as it's a true show of classlessness. I've since discovered that if I use almost no curses, when one finally comes out of my mouth people lift their heads. They know it's a big f***ing deal!
On the A train last week, I was peacefully writing in my journal when I overheard a woman talking to a man, and all I could hear was an unhealthy mix of both English and Spanish cursing. Literally, every other word was a curse. I think what she was getting at was that she didn't like a particular person very much, but I couldn't follow her too well... it was like she was speaking in Trash code. It's a shame, because her male friend didn't seem to be paying attention to her, either. I would have asked her if she kissed her momma with that mouth, but she looked like she hadn't kissed anyone in quite some time. Poor woman...

So, your assignment for the week: Delete one curse from your vocabulary. Consciously stop yourself from saying it. Replace it with "darn" or something... You'll seem like you're participating in the 50's craze!

The Proverbial Champagne on the Hull

So I've decided to join the blogging bandwagon. A bit late, I know... but it's better late than never, I always say... (and I do say it often, as I'm seldom on time for anything.)
Now, you ask, "What's this all about? Love? Class? What are you talking about?"
The simple answer is this: They're two things the world always needs more of. I believe that by discussing these topics, we can create more of these two lovely things.
"Why have you suddenly decided to start writing?"
Silly reader... I've always been writing. In high school, I kept both a LiveJournal and a physical diary. Since I've grown up a bit, I've deleted the LJ thing, and put everything into paper. It's great to talk to yourself on paper, but there's no feedback (unless, of course, you're Tara).
"What do you hope to accomplish?"
I hope to make some pretty poignant public points about what makes someone have (or not have) class, and  teach a thing or two along the way. I also hope to talk about feelings, relationships, and I'll probably touch on gay and human rights if I get bored or angry enough. To put it even more simply: I hope to talk about life and living, and why it's beautiful.
"When can I read new updates?"
Full of questions, arentcha? Well, I can promise you weekly updates... If not, then more. No specific night, no specific time. I live a busy life, and despite being able to write on paper whenever a thought crosses my conscious, I can't always get to a computer.
"Who and Where are you, anyway?"
I don't want to talk too much about who I am, because we're here to talk about other things, but I will tell you a few facts that may make digesting what I have to say a little less like agita. I'm a gay New Yorker in my mid-20's. I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I've been through an awful lot in my short life, and I'm older than my years. I try to keep an open mind about everything, but I do wind up judging just about everything in the end. I'd like to call myself a foodie, a wino, or a beer snob, but I don't know enough in any of those fields. What I do know are the interactions between two people, or even two groups. Maybe three, who knows...

Anyway, read on to figure out if you like what goes on in my head.